THE PRIMAL NEED FOR NURTURE

The need for nurturing is of paramount importance. We tend to think or act as though, once we leave childhood, the need for nurturing—cuddles, hugs, holding hands, and simply creating sacred space for each other—diminishes and is replaced almost entirely by our sexuality. While there is nothing wrong with being sexual, our expectations of what sexuality can provide are often misguided. The way we approach sexuality can often undermine our relationships, rather than unify.

For example, when we experience conflict with another person, emotions such as anger, fear, and grief often surface. It is important to understand that any significant conflict or emotional experience likely has deep roots, tracing back to our earliest developmental years and possibly connected to both individual and collective past experiences.

And those parts of us are non-sexual. There are early-developmental parts within us that have yet to be integrated into our adulthood. Unfortunately, many people use sexuality as a way of resolving conflicts. The problem with this approach is that the underlying pain and unresolved issues from our early developmental years never get healed. These parts of us do not receive the safety and nurturing they need in order to heal and integrate into our psyche as a whole.

As a result, sexuality can become a way to distance ourselves from others, driving a deeper wedge in our relationships. We often don't realize this is happening. While there is a time for being sexual, I propose that sometimes, instead of turning to sexuality—which is easier said than done—we should address the original need for nurturing that arises from the energy driving conflict. Simply sitting and holding hands can provide the connection and healing that those early parts of us truly need.

Practice going for walks with each other, holding hands, simply resting your head on another's shoulder, or allowing yourself to be held and cuddle on the couch. Your primary partner isn’t the only person who can and should provide nurturing. We need to develop other relationships where nurturing exchanges and practices are encouraged and cultivated.

Hang out in nature, play with animals, hug a tree and allow the tree to hug you back. Pick flowers and give them to someone. Get an ice cream, just because. Be gentle and kind to yourself and others.

Remember how precious you are!